This page is dedicated to getting a smile from you. Most of these items came from the Internet at one time or another in the last 15 years. Some were collected at the office and some were just donated by friends. Please enjoy them. If you wish to contribute, use the comment section and leave some identifier.
The Irish Taxi Driver
A British passenger in a taxi in Dublin leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from the edge of the bridge over the Liffey River. For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, ‘Be-Jesus, I’m sorry, but you scared the devil out of me.’
The frightened Brit apologized to the driver and said he didn’t realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten an Irishman so much.
The driver replied, ‘ Will the Saints in Heaven forgive me, it’s entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab……………….. I’ve been driving a hearse for the last 25 years.’
Paddy is planning to marry, he is, and asks his family doctor how he could tell if his bride-to-be is still a virgin.
His doctor says, “Aye, Paddy, all Irish use three t’ings for what we call a Do-It-Yourself…. Virginity Test Kit…. a small can of red paint, a small can of blue paint and a shovel.”
Paddy asks, “Sure’n what do I do wit dese tings, doctor?”
The doctor replies, “Before ye climb into bed on your wedding night, you paint one of your balls red and the other ball blue. If she says, “Dat’s the strangest pair of balls I ever did see…”
…. hit her with d’ shovel.’
A dog had followed his owner to school. His owner was a fourth grader at a public elementary school. However, when the bell rang, the dog sidled inside the building and made it all the way to the child’s classroom before a teacher noticed and shooed him outside, closing the door behind him. The dog sat down, whimpered and stared at the closed doors. Then God appeared beside the dog, patted his head, and said,
‘Don’t feel so bad fella’….they won’t let ME in either’.
Four old retired guys are walking down a street in The Villages, Florida.
They turned a corner and see a sign that says, ‘Old Timers Bar - all
drinks 10 cents. They look at each other, and then go in, thinking
this Is too good to be true.
The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, ‘Come
on in and let me pour one for you! What’ll it be, Gentlemen?’
There seemed to be a fully-stocked bar, so each of the men ask for a
martini In short order, the bartender serves up four iced martinis
(shaken, not stirred), and says, ‘That’ll be 10 cents each, please.’
The four men stare at the bartender for a moment. Then look at each other..
they can’t believe their good luck.
They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis, and order another round.
Again four excellent martinis are produced with the bartender again
saying, ‘That s 40 cents, please.’ They pay the 40 cents, but their
curiosity is more than they can stand.
They have each had two martinis and so far they’ve spent less than a dollar.
Finally one of the men says, ‘How can you afford to serve martinis as
good as these for a dime a piece?’
‘I’m a retired lawyer from Boston,’ the bartender said, ‘and I always
wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery for $5 million and
decided to open this place. Every drink costs a dime - wine, liquor,
beer, it’s all the same.’
‘Wow!!!! That’s quite a story,’ says one of the men.
The four of them sipped at their martinis and couldn’t help but notice
four other people at the end of the bar who didn’t have drinks in
front of them, and hadn’t ordered anything the whole time they were there.
One man gestures at the end of the bar without drinks and asks the
bartender ‘What’s with them?’
The bartender says, ‘Oh, they’re all retired Navy Chiefs waiting for
happy hour when drinks are half price.’
The Pope took a couple of days off to visit the rugged mountains of
Alaska for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the campground in the Pope Mobile when there was a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods.
A helpless Democrat, wearing sandals, shorts, a ‘Vote for Obama’ hat and a ‘Save the Trees’ t-shirt, was screaming while struggling frantically and thrashing around trying to free himself from the grasp of a 10-foot
grizzly.
As the Pope watched in horror, a group of Republican loggers with ‘Go
Sarah’ t-Shirts came racing up. One quickly fired a 44 magnum into the bear’s chest. The other two reached up and pulled the bleeding, semiconscious
Democrat from the bear’s grasp. Then using long clubs, the three loggers
finished off the bear and two of them threw it onto the bed of their
truck while the other tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the back seat.
As they prepared to leave, the Pope summoned them to come over. ‘I give you my blessing for your brave actions!’ he told them. ‘I heard there was a bitter hatred between Republican loggers and Democratic environmental activists, but now I’ve seen with my own eyes that this is not true.’
As the Pope drove off, one logger asked his buddies ‘Who was that guy?’
‘It was the Pope,’ another replied. ‘He’s in direct contact with Heaven
and has access to all wisdom.’
‘Well,’ the logger said, ‘he may have access to all wisdom, but he
doesn’t know shit about bear hunting! By the way, is the bait still alive, or do we need to go back to Chicago and get another one?
Three rednecks were working up on a cell phone tower: Cooter, Ronnie and Donnie. As they start their descent, Cooter slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Ronnie says, ‘Well, shucks, someone should go and tell his wife.
Donnie says, ‘OK, I’m pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I’ll do it.’ Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser.
Ronnie says, ‘Where did you get that beer, Donnie?’
‘Cooter’s wife gave it to me,’ Ronnie replies.
‘That’s unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?’
Well, not exactly’, Donnie says. ‘When she answered the door, I said to her, “you must be Cooter’s widow.” She said, ‘You must be mistaken. I’m not a widow.’ Then I said, ‘I’ll bet you a case of Budweiser you are.’
Rednecks are good at sensitive stuff.
A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart. The husband picks up
a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.
‘What do you think you’re doing?’ asks the wife.
‘They’re on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,’ he replies.
‘Put them back, we can’t afford them,’ demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
‘What do you think you’re doing?’ asks the husband.
‘Its my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,’ replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: ‘So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it’s half the price.’
On the PA system: ‘Cleanup on aisle 25, we have a husband down.’
Advanced Science
God is sitting in Heaven when a scientist says to Him, “Lord, we don’t
need you anymore. Science has finally figured out a way to create life out of nothing.
In other words, we can now do what you did in the’beginning’.
“Oh, is that so? Tell me…” replies God.
“Well, ” says the scientist, “we can take dirt and form it into the
likeness of You and breathe life into it, thus creating man.”
“Well, that’s interesting. Show Me. ”
So the scientist bends down to the earth and starts to mold the soil.
“Oh no, no, no…” interrupts God,
Then God said!!!!
“Get your own dirt.”
Southern Fishing
A redneck was stopped by a game warden in Arkansas recently with two ice chests full of fish.
He was leavin’ a cove well-known for its fishing.
The game warden asked the man, ‘Do you have a license to catch those fish?’
‘Naw, sir’, replied the redneck. ‘I ain’t got no fishin’ license. But you gotta understand something: these fish here are my pet fish.’
‘Pet fish?’
‘Yeah. Every night, I takes these fish down to the lake and let ‘em swim ’round for awhile. Then, when I whistle, they jumps right back into the ice
chests here and I takes ‘em home.’
The redneck looked at the game warden intently for a moment and then said, ‘I swear it’s the truth, Mr. Government Man. I’ll show ya. It really works.’
‘O.K.,’ said the warden. ‘I’ve! got to see this shit!’
The redneck poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited.
After several minutes, the warden said, ‘Well?’
Well, what?’ asked the redneck.
The warden asked, ‘When are you going to call them back?’
‘Call who back?’
‘The FISH!’ yelled the warden!
‘What fish?’ asked the redneck.
Moral of the story: We Southerners may not all be as smart as some northern city slickers, but we ain’t all as dumb as some government employees.
You can say what you want to about the South, but you ain’t never heard of anyone retiring and moving up North.
OLD GOLF JOKES
A husband and wife are on the 9th green
when suddenly she collapses from a heart attack!
“Help me dear,” she groans to her husband.
The husband calls 911 on his cell phone, talks for a
few minutes, picks up his putter, and lines up his putt.
His wife raises her head off the green and stares at him.
“I’m dying here and you’re putting?”
“Don’t worry dear,” says the husband calmly, “they found a doctor on
the second hole and he’s coming to help you.”
“Well, how long will it take for him to get here,” she asks feebly?
“No time at all,” says her husband.
“Everybody’s already agreed to let him play through.”
————————————————-
A gushy reporter told Phil Michelson, “You are
spectacular, your name is synonymous with the game of golf.
You really know your way around the course.
What’s your secret?”
Michelson replied, “The holes are numbered”
————————————————–
A young man and a priest are playing together.
At a short par-3 the priest asks,
“What are you going to use on this hole my son?”
The young man says, “An 8-iron, father. How about you?”
The priest says, “I’m going to hit a soft seven and pray.”
The young man hits his 8-iron and puts the ball on the green.
The priest tops his 7-iron and dribbles the ball out a few yards.
The young man says, “I don’t know about you father, but in my church,
when we pray, we keep our head down.”
——————————————————
Police are called to an apartment and
find a woman holding a bloody 5-iron standing over a lifeless man.
The detective asks, “Ma’am, is that your husband?”
“Yes” says the woman.
“Did you hit him with that golf club?
“Yes, yes, I did…” The woman begins to sob,
drops the club, and puts her, hands on her face.
“How many times did you hit him?”
“I don’t know, five, six, maybe seven times…..
just put me down for a five.”
———————————————————–
A golfer teed up his ball on the first tee, took a mighty swing and
hit his ball into a clump of trees. He found his ball and saw an
opening between two trees he thought he could hit through. Taking out
his 3-wood, he took a mighty swing. The ball hit a tree, bounced
back, hit him in the forehead and killed him.
As he approached the gates of Heaven, St. Peter asked,
“Are you a good golfer?”
The man replied: “Got here in two, didn’t I?”
——————————————————————-
The bride was escorted down the aisle and when
she reached the altar, the groom was standing there with his golf bag
and clubs at his side. She said: “What are your golf clubs doing here?”
He looked her right in the eye and said,
“This isn’t going to take all day, is it?”
In Louisiana , this fella, Boudreaux, had a bad vehicle accident, caused by a truck.
In court, the trucking company’s fancy lawyer was questioning Boudreaux:
Didn’t you say, at the scene of the accident, “I’m fine”? the lawyer asked.
Boudreaux responded, “Let me told you what happened. Me, I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into da . . ”
I didn’t ask for any details,” the lawyer interrupted. “Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, “I’m fine!”?
Boudreaux said, “I had jus got Bessie into da trailer and I was driving down da road . . .”
The lawyer interrupted again and said, “Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the State Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to answer the question.” By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Boudreaux’s answer and said to the lawyer, “I’d like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie.”
Boudreaux thanked the Judge and proceeded, “I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into da trailer and was driving her down da highway when dis Huge semi-truck and trailer ran da stop sign and smacked my truck right in da side. Me, I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into da udder.. I was hurting, real bad and didn’t want to move at tall. But, I could herd ole Bessie Moanin and groanin. Me, I knew she was in some kind o’ terrible shape just by her groans.
Shortly after da accident, a State Trouper, he came on da scene. He herd Bessie moanin’ and groanin’ so, him, he went over ta her. After he took hisself a Look at her, he took out his gun and shot her between da eyes.
Den da Trooper came cross da road, gun in hand, and looked at me, and said ‘How are you feeling?’”
“Now what da hell would you say?!”
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he’s doing a show in a small town in Essex. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blond jokes when a blond woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting.
“I’ve heard enough of your stupid blond jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person’s hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It’s men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people. Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general . . . . . and all in the name of humor!”
The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the blonde yells, “You stay out of this! I’m talking to that little bastard on your lap!”
Dear Abby:
I have never written to you before, but I really need your advice. I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs; phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with “the girls” a lot recently; although when I ask their names she always says, just some friends from work, you don’t know them.”
I try to stay awake and look out for her when she comes home, but I usually fall asleep. Anyway, I have never broached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just did not want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to finally check on her.
Around midnight, I hid in the garage behind my golf clubs so I could get a good view of the whole street when she arrived home from a night out with “the girls.”
When she got out of the car she was buttoning up her blouse, which was open. It was at that moment, crouching behind my golf clubs, that I noticed a hairline crack where the grip meets the graphite shaft on my 3-wood.
Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the pro-shop where I bought it?
Wanda’s dishwasher quit working so she called in a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, “I’ll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I’ll mail you a check. Oh, by the way don’t worry about my dog Spike. He won’t bother you.”
“But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!”
“I MUST STRESS TO YOU: DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!”
When the repairman arrived at Wanda’s apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking dog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.
The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling.
Finally the repairman couldn’t contain himself any longer and yelled,
“Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!”
To which the parrot replied,
“Get him Spike!”
See - Men just don’t listen!
A woman went to the emergency room, where she was seen by a young new doctor.
After about 3 minutes in the examination room, the doctor told her she was pregnant..
She burst out of the room and ran down the corridor screaming.
An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was; after listening to her story, he calmed her down and sat her in another room.
Then, the doctor marched down the hallway to the first doctor’s room.
“What the heck’s wrong with you?” he demanded. “This woman is 68 years old,
she has two grown children and several grandchildren , and you told her she was
pregnant???!!!”
The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up said:………
.”Does she still have the hiccups?
Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church’s morals, kept sticking her nose into other people’s business….. Several members did not approve of her extra curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence…
She made a mistake, however, when she accused Frank, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town’s only bar one afternoon.
She emphatically told Frank (and several others) that every one seeing it there WOULD KNOW WHAT HE WAS DOING!
Frank , a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away… He didn’t explain, defend, or deny… He said nothing….
Later that evening, Frank quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred’s house … walked home…. and left it there all night!!!
A young boy went up to his father and asked him,
‘Dad, what is the difference between ‘potentially’
and ‘realistically’?’
The father thought for a moment, then answered,
‘Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad
Pitt for a million dollars.
Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad
Pitt for a million dollars, and then ask your brother
if he’d sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.
Come back and tell me what you learn from that.’
So the boy went to his mother and asked, ‘Would
you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?’
The mother replied, ‘Of course I would! We could
really use that money to fix up the house and send
you kids to a great University!’
The boy then went to his sister and asked, ‘Would
you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?’
The girl replied, ‘Oh my Gawd! I LOVE Brad Pitt I
would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?’
The boy then went to his brother and asked, ‘Would
you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?’
‘Of course,’ the brother replied. ‘Do you know what a
million bucks would buy?’
The boy pondered the answers for a few days and
then went back to his dad.
His father asked him, ‘Did you find out the difference
between ‘potentially’ and ‘realistically’?’ The boy replied,
‘Yes, ‘Potentially’, you and I are sitting on three million dollars .
But ‘realistically’, we’re living with two hookers and a queer.
GOTTA PEE
Two women friends had gone for a girls’ night out. Both were very faithful
and loving wives, however they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers.
Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to Pee, so they stopped in the cemetery. One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought She would take off her panties and use them.
Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive Pair of panties and did not want to ruin them. She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that.
After the girls did their business, they proceeded to go home.
The next day, the husband of one of the women was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said: “These girl nights have got to stop! I’m starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties!!”
“That’s nothing,” said the other husband, “Mine came back with a card stuck to her ass that said….. ‘From all of us at the Fire Station. We’ll never forget you.’ ”
The Haircut
One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut he asks
about his bill and the barber replies,
‘ I cannot accept money from you. I’m doing community service this week.’
The florist was pleased and left the shop.
When the barber goes to open his shop the next morning there is a ‘thank
you’ card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill,
the barber again replies, ‘I cannot accept money from you. I’m
doing community service this week.’ The cop is happy and leaves the shop.
The next morning when the barber goes to open up there is a ‘thank you’
card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.
Later that day, a college professor comes in for a haircut, and when he
tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, ‘I cannot accept
money from you. I’m doing community service this week.’ The professor is
very happy and leaves the shop.
The next morning when the barber opens his shop, there is a ‘thank you’
card and a dozen different books, such as ‘How to Improve Your
Business’ and Becoming More Successful’.
Then, a Congressman comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his
bill the barber again replies, ‘I cannot accept money from you.
I’m doing community service this week.’ The Congressman is very happy and
leaves the shop.
The next morning when the barber goes to open up, there are a dozen
Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.
And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the
citizens of our country and the members of our Congress.
New Rules of Golf
There are MAJOR rule changes to the game of golf just published by the Obama administration, effective March 10th.
This is only a preview as the complete rulebook is being rewritten now.
Here are some of the changes.
Golfers with handicaps:
below 10 will have their green fees increase by 35%
between 11 and 18 will see no increase in green fees
above 18 will play for free and even get a check from the club/course played
The dollar amount put in for bets will be as follows:
for handicaps below 10 an additional $10
between 11 and 18 no additional amount
above 18 you will receive the total amount in the pot and you do not even have to play.
The term “gimme” putt will be changed to “entitlement” and will be used as
follows:
handicaps below 10, no entitlements
handicaps above 11 to 17, entitlements for putter length putts
handicaps above 18, if on green, no need to ever putt, just pick it up
These “entitlements” are intended to bring about fairness in scoring so that the final scores of all players will be about the same.
In addition, a Player will be limited to a maximum of one birdie and/or six pars.
Any excess must be given to those fellow players who have not yet scored a birdie or par. Only after all players have received a birdie or par from the player making the birdie or par can that Player begin to count his score again.
The current USGA handicap system will be used for the above purposes, but the term “net score” will be available only for scoring those players with handicaps of 18 and above.
This is intended to “redistribute” the success of winning by making sure that in every competition the above 18 handicap players will post only “net score” against every other player’s gross score.
These new Rules are intended to fundamentally change the game of golf. Golf must be about fairness, not ability.
A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and paperwork and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic.
He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could. When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks and completed the exam with tremendous skill.
When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying, “I don’t want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade.”
The instructor said, “During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. “You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark.”
After a pause, the instructor added, “I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I’ve never seen done in my entire career.”
The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid term.
The answer by one student was so “profound” that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
===========
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle’s Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let’s look at the different religions that exist in the world today.
Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle’s Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, “It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,” and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct……leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting “Oh my God.”
Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.
The Coroner tells the Inspector: “First body is a 72 year old Frenchman. He died of heart failure while with his mistress. Hence the enormous smile.”
“The second body is an Irishman, 25 years of age. He won a thousand dollars on the lottery and spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile.”
The Inspector asked, “What of the third body?”
“Ah,” says the coroner, “This is the most unusual one. Nancy Pelosi, Speaker of the House, 66, struck by lightning. ”
“Why is she smiling then?” inquires the Inspector.
“Thought she was having her picture taken.”
GOLF QUOTES:
You may have seen some of these.
1. Eighteen holes of match play will teach you more about your foe than 18 years of dealing with him across a desk.
- Grantland Rice
2. Golf appeals to the idiot in us and the child. Just how childlike golf players become is proven by their frequent inability to count past five.
- John Updike
3. It is almost impossible to remember how tragic a place the world is when one is playing golf.
- Robert Lynd
4. If profanity had any influence on the flight of the ball, the game of golf would be played far better than it is.
- Horace G. Hutchinson
5. They say golf is like life, but don’t believe them. Golf is more complicated than that.
- Gardner Dickinson
6. If a lot of people gripped a knife and fork as poorly as they do a golf club, they’d starve to death.
- Sam Snead
7. Golf is a day spent in a round of strenuous idleness.
William Wordsworth
8. If you drink, don’t drive. Don’t even putt.
- Dean Martin
9. If you are going to throw a club, it’s important to throw it ahead of you, down the fairway, so you don’t waste energy going back to pick it up. -
Tommy Bolt
10. Man blames fate for all other accidents, but feels personally responsible when he makes a hole-in-one.
- Bishop Sheen
11. I don’t say my golf game is bad, but if I grew tomatoes they’d come up sliced.
- Arnold Palmer
12. My handicap? Woods and irons.
- Chris Codiroli
13. The ardent golfer would play Mount Everest if somebody would put a flag stick on top of it.
- Pete Dye
14. I’m hitting the woods just great; but have a terrible time getting out of them!
- Buddy Hackett
15. The only time my prayers are never answered is playing golf.
- Billy Graham
16. If you think it’s hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball.
- Jack Lemmon
17. It’s good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling.
- Mark Twain
18. Don’t play too much golf. Two rounds a day are plenty.
- Harry Vardon
19. Golf and sex are the only things you can enjoy without being good at either of them.
- Jimmy DeMaret
20. May thy ball lie in green pastures, and not in still waters.
- Ben Hogan
21. If I hit it right, it’s a slice. If I hit it left, it’s a hook. If I hit it straight, it’s a miracle.
All Us Hackers
22. The difference in golf and government is that in golf you can’t improve your lie.
- George Deukmejian
And Finally…
23. Golf is a game invented by the same people who thought that music comes out of a bagpipe.
- Lee Trevino
CURTAIN RODS—-
She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.
On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.
On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candle-light, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of spring-water.
When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of the curtain rods.
She then cleaned up the kitchen and left. When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days.
Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything; cleaning, mopping and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were steam cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere.. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days and, in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked
People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit.
Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move. A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls.
Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of mone y from the bank to purchase a new place.
The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going.
He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.
Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.
A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home………
And to spite the ex-wife, they even took the curtain rods!!!!!!
She was standing in the kitchen preparing to soft boil eggs for breakfast, wearing only the ‘T’ shirt that she normally slept in.
As I walked in almost awake, she turned and said softly, ‘You’ve got to make love to me this very moment.’
My eyes lit up and I thought, ‘I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day.’
Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all. Right there on the kitchen table.
Afterwords she said, ‘Thanks,’ and returned to the stove, her ‘T’ shirt still around her neck.
A little puzzled, I asked, ‘What was that all about?’
She explained, ‘The egg timer’s broken.’
A Russian arrives in New York City as a new immigrant to the United States . He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, “Thank you Mr. American for letting me into this country, giving me housing, food stamps, free medical care, and a free education!”
The passerby says, “You are mistaken, I am a Mexican.”
The man goes on and encounters another passerby.
“Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in America .”
The person says, “I not American, I Vietnamese.”
The new arrival walks farther, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand, and says, “Thank you for wonderful America !”
That person puts up his hand and says, “I am from Middle East . I am not American.”
He finally sees a nice lady and asks, “Are you an American?”
She says, “No, I am from Africa .”
Puzzled, he asks her, “Where are all the Americans?”
The African lady checks her watch and says, “Probably at work.”
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman
waving at him. She says hello. He’s rather taken aback because
he can’t place where he knows her from. So he says, “Do you know
me? ” To which she replies, “I think you’re the father of one of
my kids.” Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever
been unfaithful to his wife and says, “My God, are you the
stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool
table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my
butt with wet celery? ” She looks into his eyes and says calmly,
“No, I’m your son’s teacher.”
A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.
“I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife,” he tells the doctor, “when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it, and I noticed one of the cows had something white in its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was my wife’s golf ball stuck right in the cow’s butt. That’s when I made my mistake.”
“What did you do?” asks the doctor.
“Well, as I was standing there holding up the tail, I yelled to my wife, ‘Hey, this looks like yours!’”
Borrowed from Comedy Central jokes.com I couldn’t resist.
This happened on a flight getting ready to depart for Detroit .
Jack was sitting on the plane when a guy took the seat beside him. The guy was an emotional wreck, pale, hands shaking, moaning in fear.
“What’s the matter?” Jack asked.
“I’ve been transferred to Detroit , there’s crazy people there. They’ve got lots of shootings, gangs, race riots, drugs, poor public schools, and the highest crime rate in the nation.”
Jack replied, “I’ve lived in Detroit all my life. It’s not as bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, enroll your kids in a nice private school.
It’s as safe a place as anywhere in the world.”
The guy relaxed and stopped shaking and said, “Oh, thank you. I’ve been worried to death. But if you live there and say it’s OK, I’ll take your word for it. What do you do for a living?”
“I’m a tail gunner on a Budweiser truck.”
Washington Post’s Mensa Invitiational
Here is the Washington Post’s Mensa Invitational which once
again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary,
alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter,
and supply a new definition. Here are the winners:
1. Cashtration : The act of buying a house, which renders the
subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
2. Ignoranus : A person who’s both stupid and an asshole.
3. Intaxication : Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until
you realize it was your money to start with.
4. Reintarnation : Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
5. Bozone ( n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops
bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows
little sign of breaking down in the near future.
6. Foreploy : Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of
getting laid.
7. Giraffiti : Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
8. Sarchasm : The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the
person who doesn’t get it.
9. Inoculatte : To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
10. Osteopornosis : A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
11. Karmageddon : It’s like, when everybody is sending off all
these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it’s
like, a serious bummer.
12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day
consuming only things that are good for you.
13. Glibido : All talk and no action.
14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when
they come at you rapidly.
15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after
you’ve accidentally walked through a spider web.
16. Beelzebug (n.) : Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into
your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
17. Caterpallor ( n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in
the fruit you’re eating.
>>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its
yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate
meanings for common words. And the winners are :
1. Coffee ,n. The person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted , adj. Appalled by discovering
how much weight one has gained.
3. Abdicate , v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade , v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly , adj. Impotent. (Loved this one!)
6. Negligent , adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing
only a nightgown.
7. Lymph , v. To walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle , n. Olive-flavored mouthwas h.
9. Flatulence , n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has
been run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash , n. A rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle , n. A humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude , n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by
proctologists.
13. Pokemon , n. A Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster , n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with yiddishisms.
15. Circumvent , n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by
Jewish men.
Jim walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he’s drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone’s amazement, somehow swallows it whole.
The bartender yells at Jim, “Did you see what your monkey just did?”
Jim says “No, what?”
“He just ate the cue ball off my pool table whole!”
“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me,” replied Jim “He eats everything in sight, the little pig, Sorry, I’ll pay for the cue ball and stuff.” He finishes his drink, pays his bill and the stuff the monkey ate, then leaves.
Two weeks later he’s in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.
While Jim is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. Then the monkey finds a peanut and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. “Did you see what your monkey did now?” he asks.
“No, what?” replies Jim.
“Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled it out, and ate it!” said the bartender.
“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me,” replied Jim. “He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he measures everything first.”
I became confused when I heard these terms with reference to the word ’service’.
Internal Revenue ‘Service’
U.S. Postal ‘Service’
Telephone ‘Service’
Cable TV ‘Service’
Civil ‘Service’
State, City, County & Public ‘Service’
Customer ‘Service’
This is not what I thought ’service’ meant. But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to’service’ a few cows.
BAM!!! It all came into focus.
Now I understand what all those ’service’ agencies are doing to us.
A mother is driving a little girl to her friend’s house for a play date.
‘Mommy,’ the little girl asks, ‘how old are you?’
‘Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,’ the mother replied.
‘It’s not polite.’
‘OK’, the little girl says, ‘How much do you weigh?’
‘Now really,’ the mother say s, ‘those are personal questions and are really none of your business.’
Undaunted, the little girl asks, ‘Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?’
‘That is enough questions, young lady, honestly!’
The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.
‘My Mom won’t tell me anything about her,’ the little girl says to her friend.
‘Well,’ says the friend, ‘all you need to do is look at her drivers license. It is like a report card, it has everything on it.’
Later that night the little girl says to her mother, ‘I know how old you are, you are 32.’
The mother is surprised and asks, ‘How did you find that out?
‘I also know that you weigh 140 pounds.’
The mother is past surprised and shocked now.
‘How in heaven’s name did you find that out?’
‘And,’ the little girl says triumphantly, ‘I know why you and daddy got a divorce.’
‘Oh really?’ the mother asks. ‘Why?’
‘Because you got an F in sex!
A RETIRED PERSON’S RESPONSE TO A DUMB QUESTION:
Yesterday, I was at PetsMart buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my
loyal pet, Angel the Wonder Dog. I was in the checkout line when the woman
behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think I had, an elephant?
So, since I’m retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her, ‘No,
I don’t have a dog. I am starting the Purina Diet again.’
I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in the hospital
last time, but that I’d lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive
care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both
arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet, and that the way it works
is to load your pockets with Purina nuggets. Then you simply eat one or two
every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works
well, and I was going to try it again.
I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled
with my story.
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food
poisoned me.
I told her, ‘No, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter’s butt and a
car hit us both.’
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was
laughing so hard. PetsMart won’t let me shop there anymore.
Saturday morning I got up early, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed my
golf bag, slipped quietly into the garage and proceeded to back out into a
torrential down pour. The wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the
radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.
There I cuddled up to my wife’s back, now with a different anticipation, and
whispered, ‘The weather out there is terrible.’
My loving wife of 20 yrs replied, ‘Can you believe my stupid husband is
playing golf in that weather?’
I still don’t know to this day if she was joking, but I have stopped playing golf
|
STUNNING SENIOR MOMENT
A very self-important college freshman attending a recent football ‘You grew up in a different world, actually an almost primitive one,’ The senior took advantage of the break in the student’s litany and I love senior citizens |
DOG PROPERTY LAWS
1. If I like it, it’s mine.
2. If it’s in my mouth, it’s mine.
3. If I can take it from you, it’s mine.
4. If I had it a little while ago, it’s mine.
5. If it’s mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.
6. If I’m chewing something up, all the pieces are mine.
7. If it just looks like mine, it’s mine.
8. If I saw it first, it’s mine.
9. If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically
becomes mine.
10. If it’s broken, it’s yours.
HOW DOGS AND MEN ARE THE SAME:
1. Both take up too much space on the bed.
2. Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.
3. Both mark their territory.
4. Neither tells you what’s bothering them.
5. The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.
6. Neither understands what you see in cats.
7. Neither does any dishes.
8. Both break wind shamelessly.
9. Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut.
10. Both like dominance games.
11. Both are suspicious of the postman.
HOW DOGS ARE BETTER THAN MEN:
1. Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.
2. Dogs miss you when you’re gone.
3. Dogs feel guilty when they’ve done something wrong.
4. Dogs admit when they’re jealous.
5. Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.
6. Dogs do not play games with you-except fetch. (and they never laugh at
how you throw.)
7. You can train a dog.
8. Dogs are easy to buy for.
9. The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas. (OK, the really
worst disease you can get from them is rabies, but there’s a vaccine for it
and you can kill the one that gives it to you).
10. Dogs understand what “no” means.
11. Dogs mean it when they kiss you.
PERFECT BREAKFAST
She’s sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee. Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box. Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week. Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl. And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.
HAZARDOUS MATERIAL INFORMATION SHEET
MATERIALS SAFETY DATA
WOMEN — A CHEMICAL ANALYSIS
ELEMENT: Women
SYMBOL: Wo
DISCOVERER: Adam
ATOMIC MASS: Accepted @ 53.6kg, but known to vary from 40-200kg
OCCURRENCES: Copious quantities in all urban areas
PHYSICAL PROPERTIES:
- Surface usually covered in painted film.
- Boils at nothing; freezes without known reason.
- Melts if given special treatment.
- Bitter if incorrectly used.
- Found in various states from virgin metal to common ore.
- Yields if pressure applied in correct places.
CHEMICAL PROPERTIES:
- Has great affinity for gold, silver, & range of precious stones.
- Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
- May explode spontaneously without prior warning & for no reason.
- Insoluble in liquids, but activity increases greatly by saturation in alcohol.
- Most powerful money reducing agent known to man.
COMMON USES:
- Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars.
- Can be a great aid to relaxation.
- Very effective cleaning agent.
TESTS:
- Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in natural state.
- Turns green when placed beside a better specimen.
HAZARDS:
- Highly dangerous except in experienced hands.
- Illegal to possess more than one, although several can be maintained at different locations as long as specimens do not come into direct contact with each other.
PLEASE POST ON ALL BULLETIN BOARDS FOR GENERAL INFORMATION
Watch Your Punctuation: Periods Happen
Dear John:
I want a man who knows what love is all about. You are generous, kind, thoughtful. People who are not like you admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me for other men. I yearn for you. I have no feelings whatsoever when we’re apart. I can be forever happy–will you let me be yours? Gloria
Dear John:
I want a man who knows what love is. All about you are generous, kind, thoughtful, people who are not like you. Admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me. For other men I yearn. For you, I have no feelings whatsoever. When we’re apart I can be forever happy. Will you let me be? Yours, Gloria
Golf in Heaven
An old man and his wife were driving home one evening from a golf tournament. When they forgot to stop at a stop sign they were hit by a train and killed. When they arrived at the Pearly Gates, St. Peter was checking them in and he asked, “Do you like golf?”
The man said, “Of course.”
St. Peter said, “You’re in luck, you have a tee time at eight o’clock in the morning”
At eight the next morning, the man arrived at the first tee and was partnered up with Bobby Jones, Sam Snead, and Ben Hogan. He was enthralled. He played brilliantly on an exceptionally beautiful course. After he finished, he walked up to the golf club where his wife was waiting on the veranda. She said, “How did it go? ” He raised his hand and slapped her hard.
“Why did you do that?”, she asked.
“If it hadn’t been for you and your damn bran muffins,” the man said, “I could have been here 10 years ago.”
home depot scam
Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don’t be naive enough to think it couldn’t happen to you or your friends.
Here’s how the scam works:
Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look.
When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say “No” and instead ask you for a ride to another Home Depot. You agree and they get in the backseat. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet. I had my wallet stolen November 4th, 9th,10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, & 24th 29th. Also December 1st, 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, 23rd, 26th, 30th, three times last Saturday and very likely again this upcoming weekend.
So tell your friends to be careful.
P.S. Walmart has wallets on sale 2.99 each
Military Message dated 1978
FM DAUSAMILPERCEN ALEZ VA //A-POP//
TO ALL SUBORDINATE COMMANDS
ATG 7401
DTC 231432z MAR 78
UNCLAS
SUBJECT: CHANGE TO RECRUITING PROGRAM
1. DUE TO THE ENORMOUS EXPENSE OF MAINTAINING AN EFFICIENT RECRUITING PROGRAM AND THE ADDITIONAL EXPENSE AND INCONVENIENCE OF DISCHARGING UNMARRIED WOMEN WHO ARE UNABLE TO COMPLETE THEIR ENLISTMENT DUE TO UNAUTHORIZED PREGNANCY. THE FOLLOWING REVISION OF POLICY IS CONTEMPLATED.
A. UPON CERTIFICATION BY THE US ARMY MEDICAL DEPARTMENT THAT A FEMALE MEMBER OF THE ARMY HAS REACHED THE STATE OF IMPENDING MOTHERHOOD, SHE WILL BE TRANSFERRED TO THE PRENATAL BATTALION, FORT SAM HOUSTON, TX FOR DUTY. SUCH DUTY WILL BE IN A TDY STATUS WITHOUT PERDIEM AND TO BE TERMINATED UPON THE BIRTH OF THE CHILD OR CHILDREN.
B. THE CHILD WILL BE REGISTERED WITH THE LAST NAME OF THE SUSPECTED OR LIKELY FATHER AND A SOCIAL SECURITY NUMBER WILL BE ASSIGNED. IN CASE OF EXTREME DOUBT AS TO THE FATHER OF THE CHILD, THE NAME OF THE SENIOR ENLISTED MAN AT THE LAST DUTY STATION OF THE MOTHER AT THE TIME OF CONCEPTION WILL BE USED.
C. THE CHILD OR CHILDREN WLL BE MAINTAINED IN THE US ARMY NURSERY, FORT SAM HOUSTON, TX UNTIL THE AGE OF EIGHT (8) AT WHICH TIME HE/SHE/THEY WILL BE TRANSFERRED TO THE US ARMY ORPHAN’S FARM, FORT HOOD, TX TO BE MAINTAINED UNTIL THE AGE OF EIGHTEEN (18). UPON REACHING THIS AGE, HE/SHE/THEY WILL BE ENLISTED IN THE US ARMY AND THE MILITARY OCCUPATION SPECIALTY (MOS) OF THE FATHER WILL BE ASSIGNED. IN THE CASE OF CHILDREN FATHERED BY A CIVILIAN, MOS 11B WILL BE ASSIGNED AND HE/SHE/THEY WILL BE TRANSFERRED TO AN INFANTRY DIVISION AS A REPLACEMENT IN A RIFLE COMPANY.
D. AT THE TIME OF THE CHILD’S ENLISTMENT, THE PARENT OF THE SAME SEX WILL BE NOTIFIED AND, IF HAVING COMPLETED TWENTY (20) YEARS FEDERAL ACTIVE SERVICE (FAS), WILL BE PERMITTED TO RETIRE.
2. UNDER THIS SYSTEM, IT IS EXPECTED THAT THE US ARMY WILL REPRODUCE ITSELF AT A SUFFICIENT RATE, PREDICTED ON CURRENT PREGNANCY FIGURES AND UNMARRIED ENLISTED/OFFICER WOMEN, TO PERMIT PHASE-OUT OF THE RECRUITING PROGRAM ENTIRELY. IT MAY BE NECESSARY TO CURTAIL THE PROGRAM IN THE FUTURE, SHOULD ESTIMATED TURNOVER OF PERSONNEL BE EXCEEDED.
BT
H0604
NNN
UUUUU
ROUTINE, UNCLASSIFIED
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